March 31, 2005
Entitled to stop whiningNew timetable at work. I'm trying to see what could I have done to be put to teach Discovery Skills, which is something like Science, except informal cos the class is too junior to do 'real' Science, whatever you call that.
I like Science. huh? Ya, I do. I like reading up about discoveries, about Science, about scientific knowledge. But, I agonize over teaching Science. Because, it's such a vast field of knowledge. You can't really teach. You gotta go out and see, explore and basically, discover for yourself. To teach that, honestly, I do not know where to start from. In spite of having the S.O.W.
That's only the start of my puzzlement. But, the real stress lies in the group of kids I'm working with.
I really am holding on to dear life just to see what other jokes can be played out in the span of my life.
April Fool's Day. I said I should stop whining. I'd just take a deep breath and plunge into (being) April's fool.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:37
March 29, 2005
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Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:44
text: Happiness simplified.
Wow!!! Simplified Chinese text form!!!
Wow!
Thank you, Annie~~~ You're THE girl!
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:07
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Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 21:55
March 27, 2005
Get mushy
I wouldn't say I can't live without this person. But, my life would definitely be significantly different if without this person somewhere near me. I don't want to think if she (or I) have to move elsewhere out of Singapore for whatever purpose. It's going to be painful at the airport, I'm sure.
We spontaneously meet, do things sponteneously, crap and bitch. We communicate so much things with just a few smses. We sit and do nothing, not even talking and when we said 'bye', it's almost like having just went through a spiritual rejuvenation session.
You don't need to ask a lot from life when you found someone like this in your life.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 16:37
I, the virgo.
The Virgo woman is one independent woman who craves for romance. She can be both naughty and nice but only to her loved one. She always tries her best to be perfect and to look perfect and she likes her men smart to be compatible with her. She is attracted to men who are intelligent, well-mannered, well-dressed, practical and reliable.
xxx
Crystalization
I added a new link, other than Peas in a Pod. It's 'One step at a time'. It's Bionic's friend's blog. I promised to go visit cos they wanted comments on why we want to have children of our own. I liked the layout, very clean and neat (that's virgo trait eh?). And I thought the blog was quite akin to the kind of topics I normally write about. huh? hehe... Anyway, check it out if you like.
xxx
Croak, croak
Been to visit Archie's blog some days ago. I still can't get over that he actually started to use '*' to substitute f-u-c-k. Was that an attempt at being more... erm, cultured? If so, the attempt certainly doesn't go with the face. There is no compromise for ugliness.
But, yes, finally, it seems like our shameless is acting his age. And has made that gigantic leap from a toad to a frog. Now, we can all wait in anticipation for him to make that leap from frog to man.
I miss the acidic verbal exchange. That probably means I miss you in some ways too. Oh, screwed!
xxx
The lovely iconic language
Bionic has succeeded. In posting a blog entry in Chinese. I tried to do it once. What got published were tadpole-like characters.
So, I'm still waiting for Bionic to tell me how she does it. Then, maybe the revelation would be that I can write so much better in Chinese! hahahaha... Like real!
xxx
Maybe I need a shrink, earlier than I thought.
Someone I met on Saturday told me that he doesn't understand me on my blog. I, quite lamely, asked which word he didn't understand.
Ok. It's the context. He mentioned that the way I write seems to be talking to myself or talking to an imaginary friend in my blog. It's a lot of questioning and answering all by myself. He doesn't quite get the flow, I guess. Then, we decided that I have split personalities - something that an increasing number of people have been telling me.
I think, I used to be simpler. But, I must have been unhappy being that simple. Or maybe I just, unknowingly, assimilated too much of other personalities.
Somehow, I've become me today. So many mirrors, so many doors; every turn a new smile, every turn a new frown. The stage is getting borderless.
xxx
Epilogue
The above has been more or less, what I have been typing the first time before the system screwed me up (please refer to earlier post below).
I went to meet Wenn for lunch and then bitched. Then, decided I'm calm enough to write again.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 16:10
I'm taking very, very deep breaths now
If anyone from the Blogger site maintenance is looking in my blog quite fatefully at this point in time, I would like to very politely ask a question.
"What the FUCK is wrong with you all?"
I spent almost an hour typing a long, long blog entry. It was one of the most satisfying entries I created since some time ago. It had 4 sub-sections, and each one of them, I was talking about a different blog. I previewed it, and published it.
And, I was told to log in again. Needless to say, my entry was all flushed down the screwed up sewage in cyber world.
Now, don't tell me this has nothing to do with the maintenance people or system or whatever shit. Cos even if it has nothing to do with them, I just fucking feel like blaming someone else. I mean, it can't be ME, right?
Bloody hell... It's the 2nd time this happened to me. The first time was quite long ago. So, it only happens once in a blue moon eh? But, that doesn't make me feel any better!!!
What have I done to deserve this? What the....???
Sigh...
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 12:07
March 25, 2005
Love & dating...34
I blurted out to Kay during one of our MSN chat sessions that I think love is about believing that someone can live without you and you can live without that someone.
Why do we often think that being in love or being married is about not being able to live without that someone? I've also received emails that said we should marry someone we cannot live without rather than can live with. I was still nodding in agreement before I made the contrary blurt.
Maybe, we really should see loving someone as believing that we can live without him or her and vice versa. In one of my earlier random Chinese pieces, I remember writing before that there is no such thing as being incomplete and finding someone who will complete you. At least, not in the way that many of us seem to understand it. We came into life alone, and will very likely make our exit alone. So, where does the person who is supposed to complete you come in? The truth is, we all are capable of living without any special someone.
If I believe that I can live without you and you without me, I know that I am capable of making myself happy. You don't have to be the one to bring me happiness; I am responsible for my own happiness. The same goes for you. If and when our paths cross and come together, we will only share both our happiness and two complete lives, share two complete worlds and enjoy our time with each other. And if one day you have to leave, and take on a path of your own, we may temporarily affect each other's state of happiness but we can't take it away from each other. Because we've always believed that we are capable of living without each other.
I think the most genuine and beautiful form of love is when the other person is taken away from you by death, you still have the courage to live on and probably, love another again.
It's amazing some of the things I blurted out in the end makes more sense than I thought. So, don't tell me you can't live without me to show how much you love me. Then, you probably don't. You probably just need some Prozac.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 17:45
Like a real woman
Commercial time. Look at another crystal forming... Under 'Crystalized', click on Peas in a Pod. She claimed that her English is not as good as me. Rubbish. She got her Hons in... ok, I won't say. haha...
Noticed she didn't mention any names in her blog. I respect the privacy. Keep it up, girl. You already have a loyal reader in me.
xxx
For good and better
Have you once done something that you know you are probably not in the position to do but yet went ahead to do it? Something at work. Something not within your job scope to do and something not entirely helpful, and will generate potential repercussions. For no real reason, you just did it, even though you understood that it's probably an inappropriate gesture? Then, after you did it, you would think, 'shit, what have I done?' Then, when the consequences of that irrational action come, you feel like you were an idiot. Sorry that you did that but also puzzled that you can't really explain or justify why you did what you did.
Anyway, it's over. There was no issue. My Track Head and cute VP settled it. And very subtly brought it up at our contact time to remind the others not to do things that will put themselves in difficult positions.
Then, they were so kind and so encouraging enough to sms me individually and told me not to give up and that they make mistakes everyday too. Most of all, they assured that I'm doing a fine job with my class.
How do you not want to stay in a work environment that is this positive, supportive and encouraging? At least, for now, it's definitely a hold back factor for me.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 17:21
March 23, 2005
2 hours.
On a day like today, I work a 16-hours day. From work to tuition. Sometimes, I marvel at how I do it. Considering I have to wake up by 6.30am every Mon-Fri. I typically sleep 5-6 hours a day on schooling days. And my day of talking and using my brain can last up to 16 hours. Sometimes, I marvel at myself.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:51
Sigh, send me the IT man.
Ok. I think my computer has some virus or some problem or some I-dunno-what. Twice, I was typing halfway and it reboot by itself. I don't want to curse myself. So, suffice to say that those of you who know how to fix computers and format computers and who has lotsa pirated software CDs, pls be on standby to save me from technology-related distress soon, again!
xxx
Delightful company in a sleepy town
That will be you-know-who. That will be Malacca. But, we still managed to buy a few items. heh... I was not in the shopping mood, really. I was a carrier of Wenn's retail therapy virus.
xxx
Ong Tua Soh
From Miss Lim to Ong Tua Soh. Just with the penning of a signature. Nevertheless, it was an exciting day. And, truly, lovely, in spite of having to sit in the sun, by the poolside on level 6 of Amara Hotel, a low-batt camera in hand.
I can't really pen how it felt like, witnessing one of your closest friends get married to a man who will be her partner for life (if the vows hold true). It looked almost too simple. The whole ceremony lasted for around 10 minutes. Too fast, too simple. I took more time to consider before I actually signed my name on my appointment letter at work. And work is not supposed to be for life.
The 'Aww... so sweet' part was really before the ceremony. The rest of the girls were there early to help with the make up and the hair. Juan did the make up and Viv, the hair. Professionally done, our bride looked very, very lovely. The most alluring part was when I realised she didn't need blusher to look radiant. Now, where's the fairness in that?
Shall I go on to the food now? It was great. The reception was simple (too) but pretty tasty.
We will view the photos on Friday, and do up the guestbook. A personalised one.
Love, me.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:36
March 19, 2005
Buses and Trains
That was our request. She's at Ballymoon's. Totally different setting, different ambience, different crowd, different dress code, different drinks and food menu (miserable mixed nuts, potato chips and no chicken wings!!! ) and I really didn't need the air-con.
She sang 'Insensitive'. The place made her voice sound contained. It was not. It used to have more power than this. It used to be powerful enough so that the people eating in the S11 got to be free-riders on the power of her vocals.
Darren was nowhere to be seen. We continue to miss him. His boyish grin and soft cheeky eyes.
Will I go there again? Maybe...
xxx
Will do, already did.
I'm going Malacca with Wenn in 5 hours' time. Why am I still not asleep? Why do I bother to still want to sleep? I've to wake up in 3 hours. The last time something like this happened, it was when Kyn was drunk in my house and I had to go K.L 2 hours after settling her down and falling asleep.
Why do I keep doing things like this? Stay up late, thinking I would get any real sleep on the coach for that boliao 4 hours? I probably end up stoned. Like what I'm pretty much now.
Here comes Janet. She wants the computer. Maybe I'd get that 3 hours sleep after all. For whatever it's worth.
Those of you who would, probably already did. I know who would.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 02:52
March 17, 2005
Bitch or Beach?
In half an hour's time, we are heading to East Coast Park for a picnic and to play frisbee. yay! We = a few of my colleagues and I. We = CJ, Zie, Shoba, Kay and me. Kay's here to do the sandwiches. Why her? cos... actually, I don't know.
Anyway, here's my guest blogger... Ms Kay, please...
xxx
it didn't feel right the minute i woke up this morning... which was strange... coz i had something to look forward to today. Which is bitching @ the beach with the rest of the bitches from school.
What finally made my day was when jancy dear highlighted a point to me when i was at her house making sandwiches.
i never had an affinity with the other gender species in this world. I was rather glad; may i say honoured to find out that the male member in her family was superbly jealous of my presence. It didn't help that i didn't greet him upon my arrival. I didn't know he would mind... But it felt good to know that he felt threatened by my presence... it goes to show that i'm still quite desirable after all, ha! At least to him...
In my feeble attempt to make the 2 of us better acquaintances, i waved my right hand at him and said hello. That was, of course, not enough to appease him since i had ignored his need for social interaction. Oh well... at least i tried to make him like me more...
Have i mentioned his name yet?
Hugo...
The fact that i can write this piece of crap about him here makes me like him more already...
xxx
haha... Hugo LOVES you, really! He just whispered in my ear that he wants to share his disgusting-smelling dog cookie with you! Aww....
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 14:26
March 14, 2005
What cheap therapy!
I got myself a CD. Guess whose? D, you should know! haha... And a book. A book that just appealed to me, an unintentional buy. But, it's just $3.90. hee... The title is 'An Idle Hour in the County of Hope'. =P
xxx
What lovable responsibility!
I'm in the Library CCA in my school. You know what that means? It means I have a neat budget to spend on books, fiction, non-fiction. I have access to catalogues to order books from. I will be asked to go down to warehouses and libraries to select books to put in the library. I need to decide how I want the library to look like, the furniture, the layout, the system. I will be in charge of the internal catalogues too and the maintenance of the school library.
You know what that means? It means the school has to sack me to get me out of this CCA.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 18:45
March 13, 2005
Access Denied
Not so much complex, just more personalities. Not so much strong, just more armour. Not so much character, just more pretending. Not so much pretending, just more doubts. Not so much knowing, just more misunderstandings. Not so much lethargy, just more fatigue.
Not that we don't know, just that access is denied. When will the Fix-it man come?
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 13:19
Love & dating...33
I don't think any one of us likes confrontations. To begin with, it is emotionally unsettling and distressing and often leads to stress and tension afterwards. If we have a choice at all, why would we choose to be confrontational with someone? Especially not with someone we care about.
Maybe, put it this way. To say a person is confrontational is not really to say that he/she enjoys putting others in a state of being confronted. It's more he/she has a tendency to confront problems. Unfortunately, a problem is the result of the interaction between the persons. How nice it would be if one can confront the problem by oneself and solve it without having to involve another! Then again, sometimes, we run away from our own personal problems too.
Talking to a problem is simple; talking about a problem is not; talking about a problem between us is a feat. But, is that why we have to choose to sweep it aside and pretend it doesn't exist?
The ostrich hides its head in the ground because it thinks that if it can't see the world, the world can't see it too. But, what a shock it got when it pulled its head up from the ground! Not only is the world still around, the world is taking lotsa photographs! If the ostrich really disliked the crowd, it should have just chased the crowd away with its size.
Confront the problem, not the person. It's a skill. Unfortunately, it takes the right kind of person to practise this skill with. Some people get ready their armour to fight their ally, even before the battle comes.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 12:56
Love & dating...32
When I was a volunteer at a childcare centre some 6 years ago, there was something that the principal of the centre told me that I remember till today.
There was this girl who I was working with. She was 4 years old. Her family background was such that her parents didn't have time for her. She threw tantrums often in the centre and would cry easily if she didn't get her way. My job was to do reading and story time with her because she liked stories but her language wasn't strong. I liked her a lot. She's a chubby, fair little girl. However, my problem with her was that she didn't like it when I paid attention to other kids in the centre. She would cry and pull me or push her friends away.
Then, the principal came to me. She taught me that I needed the little girl to trust me first. She said that a child wouldn't want to share a person she likes with other people if she is not sure that you belong to her. She said 'what you feel you don't have, you won't want to share'.
As I grow older, and fall in and out of love, I realised... actually, there is a child in every one of us.
Maybe that's what it's all about. Knowing and not knowing, that feeling of uncertainty, insecurity. How to share you when I don't believe you are mine?
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:54
March 12, 2005
Pls remind me...
Can I talk about the confrontational thingy next time? And also the preference to escape from a problem rather than solving it?
Know what, I should hit the bedsheets now.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:18
Dance, School, Dance!
It was my first time 'choreographing' a dance. A mass dance for a whole school. I couldn't have done it with 2 of my dearest friends who happened to be my colleagues. =)
Thank you C J and Kay for all the input in the dance. Kay, who really didn't have to be involved in the dance but came up to the music room the first time and sorta got roped into it. C J, who was supposed to only support me but who ended up mapping out quite a lot of the dance movements too.
Thank you C J and Kay for taking it so seriously as to practise the dance at home - something which even I didn't do. For letting me be the 'instructor' while they sweat it out on stage.
Thank you C J and Kay for letting us all see that our students can enjoy spontaneity and expression of body language as well as all of us! For all the smiles and the sweat.
I might be able to handle it alone, but I definitely won't enjoy it as much as I did with the 2 of you. Love you girls to bits!
xxx
You can smell a mainstream teacher from afar.
High tea at Cafe Vienna. Food was all right but the company spoke volumessss! Will develop all the photos after the beach-bitching on Thurs. Then, I can start a Pathlight album! yay!
xxx
You left us your voice in singing the school song.
Some rewards are priceless. For everything else, there's the CPF.
xxx
Cupids can't play pool.
Miracles do happen. From my experience, much more on pool tables than anywhere else. We should do it more often!
So, KTV's next?
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:02
March 08, 2005
I lurve Gmail.
Yes. I can receive mp3 over gmail. Attempted and verified. Thanks, my dear. Thanks for sending the lyrics over too.
Hands Clean, Alanis Morissette
We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this
Thanks for the song.
xxx
Swimming in an oasis
I met Jas CL today. Yay! hee... I was indeed feeling a bit apprehensive and nervous about meeting her after so many years! We went Kuishin-bo at Suntec. Jap buffet. Nice. Good variety. Try everything. Including the 'steamboat'. Everything. $31.80+ for dinner buffet, Mon-Thurs.
Isn't it lovely that certain people in your life, you don't have to meet them regularly yet once you meet them, it feels just like yesterday. Yesterday was almost 7 years ago, when we first knew each other. I try not to get sentimental but look how much has changed in the past 7 years. Look how much didn't change in the past 7 years. I didn't get the chance to pay (cos I was a poor student then) then, I didn't get the chance to pay now (cos I am a poor employee).
Seven natural colour sands from the UAE and a two tone shawl. It's really not so much the gift. But, the fact that you remembered me when you were swimming in an oasis. I think that means so much in itself. Thank you. = )
xxx
Set the mood to get closer
Ok. Damien Rice. The Blower's Daughter. Soundtrack from Closer, the movie. Have I already mentioned that I like that movie a lot? Yet another recommendation from my fave movie reviewer - D!!! And three dozens thanks for sending me the song. I'm gonna buy you prata for this. Serious.
It's on auto-repeat mode.
xxx
Only if you can take the truth
Jasmine told me today that she reads my blog when she remembers. For a while, I was very flattered. Then, I thought, 'shit... have I been saying anything bad about her?'
Such is the plague of bloggers, I suppose. But, hullo, it's my blog. If I wanna tell the whole world you are a jerk, it means you are a jerk to me (at that point in time, at least).
I think it can be quite nice to know what your friends truly think of you without hearing it from their mouth. So I think. hee
Drop me a comment if anyone of you need to verify that the abbreviated names I use refer to none other but yourself.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:03
March 06, 2005
Fall out with the boundaries
Have you ever feel that certain things or certain people in your life just don't belong anywhere? Like, if you put it in a certain place, it won't be right or it will be too much of an effort to remove it or change its place in future. Or, maybe if you put it in a certain place, you just know that it doesn't belong with the rest of the elements and components of that place.
And yet, you can't just discard it. Not yet, anyway. It's like, you hold on to it because someday, for some reason, you just know that you will need it or you will come to appreciate having it. Just that, now, it doesn't fit anywhere.
Do you have that kind of feeling whereby you really want to put it somewhere but it's just very annoying that this silly thing doesn't seem to belong anywhere? So, you just hold it in hand and look around, peer around, hoping somehow, soon, you'll have an idea how best to keep it. Meanwhile, you feel very unsettled because this thing may not be light. It could be a rather heavy thing.
Demarcation is necessary but the question is what if something cuts across the board?
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:13
Gramophone. Mp3. Credit card.
I got the song! The Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice. The song from the movie 'Closer'. Yay!!!!!
Love the song! Easy listening. Love the guitar and nice vocals!
I like the movie a lot too!
xxx
English Toffee tea and Ceylon tea
At Tea Room, Esplanade with Bblics today. After shopping in vain for Anna's ROM gift. Got a really cute Chimney Sweeper Climber toy from Germany though. For Jasmine. If she flies me aeroplane (again) on the dinner meet up on Tuesday, the toy would be Bblic's belated birthday gift. I really liked the Lilliput Lane house models! But why so expensive?!?!
A little Precious Moments wedding card for Anna and Victor. hee... A marriage is not complete without Precious Moments! haha... At least, we saved her the trauma of having a PM figurine. Don't give me that for my wedding too.
xxx
A T weekend
Had tea today, had tea yesterday. Essential Brew at Holland V. So far, the tea blends that I've tried have been very satisfying. I like the Oolong chicken and the Baby potatoes! I've got a feeling I'd keep going back for more tea-food testing.
It's only when I kept coughing did I remember the doc said for me to refrain from coffee and tea. Oops!!!
xxx
Week 10
Starts tomorrow. It's been 10 freaking weeks! The casualty rate among the teachers are typically higher towards the end of the term. I'm on the wrong side of the statistics too.
But, finally, it's week 10. The anticipation for the break will be very motivating.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:22
March 03, 2005
Who else?
She's been through so much. So much with me too. More than half our lives. And going strong.
But there is an unexpectancy in life. And many many more between people.
She said there is great beauty in that. There is great beauty in a lot of things that we find ourselves uncomfortable or uncertain about. I used to think that's crap. But I agreed because I had nothing else to say to that.
I agree. There is great beauty. It should take some time to appreciate that. And many reminders.
She's turning 25 soon. I would be too, not so soon though. As age adds on, life ought to have less unexpectancy. At least, you are getting closer and closer to an end. That's for sure. And by now, you ought to have some ground in your life, some positions to stand by. We were taught that if you have the grounds to fight on, then fight. This ground, if I may add, ought be consistent. So much consistencies, yet still so afraid of consistencies. Is this what age brings about?
She's a beauty. Inside and out.
happy birthday, best friend.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:07